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postal_phil
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Name: Phil
Birthday: 8/21/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: Well, I like ska... and yetties. Actually, a yetti playing ska would be really cool. I like me. I like playing music. Hooray for Saturdays. And Saturday Morning cartoons. Boo School. Yay roommates. Boo Texas.
Expertise: Being gauche.Changing paradigms.Breaking mores.Eschewing obfuscation.Using big words
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  wilphiggs
Member Since:
6/23/2004
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| Sometimes, it's really easy to take a look around, and feel like a failure. Especially when where I am now is juxtaposed with where I've been. I'm twenty four years old, I live with my parents, and I have a job that pays 600 a month. Wow. Just two years ago, I was king of the world. I was in college, living on my own, supporting myself for the most part with just a little help from scholarships. I had a ton of friends, and an amazing girlfriend. I know looking back is no way to go forward, and I reminisce often on this blog, but I can't help it. It's where I've been. And I don't really have a lot going on to right about nowadays, anyway. It seems like my whole life has been lived on inertia, and it's finally slowed to a crawl, and for the life of me, I can't figure out how to get the ball rolling again.
And I know what brought this wave of nostalgia upon me. We had our December show tonight, and she was there. With him. It kills me to see the two of them together, it really does. I can't harbor any ill will toward him, that's the most frustrating part. e really is an okay guy. I see them and I can't help but think, maybe that could have been me. Maybe if I had just tried a little harder, been a little more successful, a little smarter, a little more charming, a little better, just maybe that could've been me. But I digress. Or maybe I don't.
And really, things aren't that bad. Okay, so maybe they are, but I don't expect them to stay that way. One should always expect obstacles when they've had to reboot like I did. But there's still that frustration, that I did all that work for naught, and that fear, that what if this bombs, too, what if I'm still not on the right path? Greatness takes time. I'm young now, but if I take to long to get started on something, I'm simply not going to have the time to excell at it. My feet get so stilled by indecision, paralyzed by the worry that I'm in the wrong business. And yes, I hate his guts. I hate him for doing what I can't seem to do. I hate him for winning her, when she stayed just outside my reach, and I hate him for his success in every other area. Just thought I'd mention that.
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| And the worst part is... he's better than me in every way that counts! I've got nothing to bring to the table! So what does it even matter?
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| It just doesn't make any damned sense at all... Not why it keeps happening, but the fact that I keep letting it happen. Anything else, you know not to do again. Put your hand on a stove burner that's still hot, you know not to do it again. Stick your finger in a light socket, you know not to do it again. Cut your hand on broken glass, you know not to do that it again. But fall in love, and its the same mistake over and over. I know the score, I know how it's going to end, examined all possibilities, and still just let it happen. Why don't I learn not to let this happen? It's not that hard: see a pretty girl, go the other way. But something in me just keeps putting me out there, just to keep being torn to shreds. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
It's like I tell my students, "Who's leading this train?" I make decisions with my brain, and no other part of my anatomy, and yet when it comes to women, my heart just decides to make an executive decision and cuts the brain out of the loop. And it's not like people don't make mistakes, but make the same mistake enough times and eventually your ability to make decisions must be called into question.
Anyway....
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| I gotta say, I'm sick and tired of being shit on. It seems like I'm a last resort friend. I hate to bitch and moan, but everyday it's the same shit. Nobody seems to care anymore. I'm always the friend that can be pushed aside, rescheduled, or ignored. I don't understand how everyone is so busy, too busy to hang out ever. I've got one friend that never answers his phone, never calls me back, and never calls me at all unless he needs something. It's always about him, on his schedule, and everyone else just needs to live with it. I have another friend that never shows up to anything, never calls to say he won't be coming, and feels no remorse about ditching me on the slightest whim.
I've changed my schedule so many times, skipped so many opportunities in an effort to work around other peoples lives. And not once does it seem like anyone would een think about doing the same for me. What the fuck is wrong with people?!?
No more. I tired of it. I'm tired of giving a crap for people that can't be bothered to return the favor. I came back to tulsa because I thought that's where my real friends were. Turns out people are all the same everywhere. You are all dead to me.
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| Two months since my last post, and what a two months. Really the last six to eight months since coming home home have just been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I'm back working at the studio, and I'm determined to get bronze certified, hopefully by the end of the year if possible. The benefits from this would be good. It would earn me a little bit more hourly at the studio (Okay, not really) and would increase my opportunities for teaching, garnering me more students, which means more money. Also, as I understand it, Bronze certified instructors are a valuable commodity, which would give me a falback profession should things go awry elsewhere. But, more importantly, it would prove to me that this is something I can do, since I think the last thing I ever actually accomplished was graduating high school. So there you have it.
On the other front, QuikTrip is starting to look up. I feel like I'm finally starting to be decent at my job, and word on the grapevine is that I'm ready for promotion, but the Big Kahunas want to see if I can make it till I get some sick days back without missing a day, to prove that I can in fact show up to work on a regular basis. Since I won't be getting and sick days back until September at the earliest, this puts me a little bit past my July 1 deadline. But I have a one-on-one with Todd, my store manager, coming up in a few weeks, so I'll try to see if there is any truth to these rumors, and might consider pushing the deadline back.
That's the news professionally, and since that's enough for one post, maybe I'll just end it here, and pick up later.
"Had a good day..." -Captain Malcolm Reynolds
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